Alexandria, VA – It used to be that if folks wanted to pet your dog, they just reached out and did it. Happily, in today’s better-informed world, there’s a quick, “May I pet your dog?” first. But all too often, the response is an automatic “Sure!” — no matter what the dog’s body language indicates.
For some dogs, this extra human attention is inevitably the highlight of the walk — it’s what they’ve been waiting for all morning! For people who have only known extroverted canine ambassadors like this, the idea that a dog would not welcome an outstretched hand is incomprehensible.
Yet comprehend we must if we truly want to be a friend to the dogs around us.
Don’t Assume Dogs Want To Be Petted
Many dogs feel anything from a little wary to outright scared of strangers. In some cases, they have been specially bred – by humans – to feel what they’re feeling. Unfortunately, we ignore that pesky truth and tend to believe that all good dogs should happily accept petting from anybody at any time.
Want to be a true “dog person”? Remember that they have plenty of legitimate reasons for saying “no” to your desire to pet them whenever you want. Perhaps
- They’ve been bred to guard, so this forced interaction with strangers is deeply conflicting.
- They’re more introverted and don’t enjoy this kind of socialization.
- Something in their background has made them less trusting of people, or
- Perhaps usually they’d be all in, but today their ear hurts, or they are distracted by the big German Shepherd staring at them from across the street.
Don’t Give Consent On Behalf of Your Dog
The more you study canine body language, the clearer it becomes that many dogs do not want to be randomly touched. That’s when you realize something’s off with the question, “May I pet your dog?” It seems wrong that humans have the power to decree, “Sure, absolutely, you go right ahead and put your hands all over this dog’s body. She’s so pretty, isn’t she? We all love to touch her…”
Dogs can’t answer the “May I pet you” question in English, but they do answer with their body language. Unfortunately, most people don’t have the skills to read what can be very subtle signals.
The result? Many dogs are routinely subjected to handling that makes them uncomfortable while trapped on a leash with their owner allowing it. That experience can make dogs even less enamored of strangers and – the saddest part – less trusting of their owners, who did not step up to help them through that moment.
How to Make Friends with a New Dog
If I’m on a walk, somebody asks, “May I pet your dog?” I smile at their interest (while gently blocking access) and tell them I’d love for them to ask the dog. Then, I show them how:
- Keep a few feet of distance at first.
- Turn a bit to the side, which makes everything less intense.
- Keep your glances soft and light instead of giving a steady stare.
- Use your warm, friendly voice to continually reassure.
- Try crouching down rather than looming from above.
- Give the dog a chance to sniff you, and don’t immediately pet her as she does so. Let her gather her information first.
- Don’t use treats to lure the dog toward you. That creates internal conflict and more stress. Instead you could toss a treat just past the dog, so they get a stress-free retreat from you as they get it. Or save them to use after a happy “yes” to reinforce that experience.
How To Tell If The Dog Consents
If the dog pulls toward a stranger with a loose, relaxed, or wiggly body, the dog is saying “yes.” Great! The next step is to pet in the spot the dog offers – likely the chest or the rump. (A top-of-the-head pat is on most dogs’ Top 10 Things I Hate About Humans list…)
When the dog does not give that quick “yes,” try increasing distance and making conversation. Many dogs warm up after having a few minutes to size a human up. If the dog then relaxes and leans into the experience, great!
If we never get to that obvious “yes” from the dog, we simply call it a day and move along. That is also – and this is so critically important – great! “Not today” is a perfectly normal answer from a perfectly good dog to the question, “May I pet you?”
Kathy Callahan’s new book, Welcoming Your Puppy from Planet Dog, is now available for pre-order wherever you buy your books. A certified dog trainer whose PupStart business is in Alexandria, VA, Callahan writes monthly for Whole Dog Journal, and a version of this piece originally appeared there.
