Hey Doctor Amy: “Why am I the only one who seems to remember everything?”
Alexandria, VA – Hey Doctor Amy,
I’m a working mom of two, and I’m constantly the one keeping track of everything—school stuff, appointments, birthdays, even the dog’s meds. My partner’s great, but the mental load feels like it’s all mine. Is this normal?
— Tired of Thinking in Alexandria
Dear Tired: Oh, it’s normal—but it’s not sustainable.
What you’re describing is something called domestic cognitive labor—the invisible brainwork that keeps your family humming along. It’s not just doing tasks. It’s anticipating needs, tracking moving parts, and remembering what no one else seems to notice.
A 2024 study by Ana Catalano Weeks and Leah Ruppanner dug into this. Using data from 3,000 U.S. parents, they confirmed what many of us already feel: moms are still carrying the bulk of the day-to-day thinking. The study divided the mental load into two types:
Core tasks: the daily, must-do stuff like school forms, groceries, and birthday planning
Episodic tasks: things that pop up occasionally, like home repairs or vacation planning
Guess who holds most of the core tasks? Moms. And while dads may handle more of the episodic items, the research found they often overestimate how much they contribute overall.
Here’s why it matters: When one person holds the mental master plan, it’s not just tiring—it’s isolating. You become the default project manager, constantly scanning for what’s next.
So, what can you do?
1. Name it. Awareness is the first step. Say out loud: “This isn’t just doing—it’s the thinking that’s draining.”
2. Delegate differently. Ask your partner to own entire categories: “You’re on meals and grocery planning this month.” Full ownership means managing, not waiting for instructions.
3. Get it out of your head. Use a visible system—an app, a calendar, a whiteboard—to externalize the planning so everyone can see (and share) the load.
Mental labor may be invisible—but it has real weight. Naming it, sharing it, and reshaping it? That’s how we make the load lighter.
Got a parenting or mental health question? Ask me by writing to me here. Your brain will thank you.
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