Alexandria, VA – Last month, we talked about the mental load that moms carry—the invisible work of managing school forms, dentist appointments, permission slips, birthday gifts, emotional labor, and all the other behind-the-scenes tasks that keep a family humming. (If you missed it, ask any mom in Old Town juggling a Trader Joe’s bag and a preschooler meltdown. She’ll fill you in.)
But with Father’s Day around the corner, let’s turn our focus to the dads. Not the sitcom dads or the “forgot the diaper bag again” stereotype – the real ones. The ones pacing the soccer sidelines at Simpson Field, or holding the wet towels at swim team practice, and somehow always knowing which recycling bin is actually correct this week.
While research has historically focused more on moms, newer studies are beginning to paint a fuller picture of the mental load that fathers carry, too. According to a 2023 Pew Research Center report, today’s dads are doing more hands-on parenting than ever before. More diaper changes, more carpool runs, more late-night math homework help. And with that increased involvement comes its own version of cognitive labor.
Now, is it the same load moms carry? Not always. A recent study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that while dads are more likely to handle logistics tied to activities and finances, moms still shoulder more of the emotional and anticipatory work (think: “Who needs new shoes?” or “Did we RSVP to the class party?”).
But the dad load is real—and growing.
The dads I talk to in therapy often describe a different kind of stress: the pressure to provide, stay steady, “be strong,” and manage the ever-present guilt that they’re not doing enough at home or work. It’s the mental ping-pong of trying to be a present parent while answering Slack messages during the school play at Lyles-Crouch.
It’s also worth noting that some dads carry additional layers: single fathers, stay-at-home dads, fathers in blended families, or dads navigating co-parenting dynamics. Their mental load can look entirely different but just as intense.
Let’s be real. Father’s Day doesn’t always come with the same level of Pinterest-fueled celebration as Mother’s Day. (I see you, last-minute tie aisle at Target.)
So, this June, maybe skip the “#1 Dad” mug and offer something more meaningful: a real conversation about what’s on his mind. Ask him what he’s carrying that no one sees. Give him space to talk, vent, or just be. Because when we understand each other’s mental loads – moms, dads, and everyone in between – we build stronger, more compassionate families.
And if you’re still looking for a Father’s Day gift? A quiet cup of coffee on the porch, alone, or uninterrupted time to browse in Del Ray Hardware might be what he needs to reset the mental tabs he has open.
Ask me a question and write at https://form.jotform.com/241447644835160.
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