Alexandria, VA – Dear Dr. Amy,
I recently saw a post about parents using a code word with their kids when they need help getting out of an uncomfortable situation. I loved the idea, but I’m not sure how to actually set it up. Can you explain how parents should do this and why it matters?
Sincerely,
Trying to Think Ahead in Alexandria
Dear Thinking Ahead,
Let me introduce you to one of the simplest and smartest parenting strategies you can put in place before your child ever needs it.
Alexandria kids have access to a lot. Sleepovers, sports teams, birthday parties, school events, friend groups, older siblings, older kids, and homes where the vibe can shift fast. Most of the time, that is part of growing up. But sometimes a child or teen realizes a situation no longer feels safe, comfortable, or right. In that moment, they need a way out that does not depend on courage, perfect wording, or public embarrassment.
That is where this strategy comes in.
Here’s how to do it.
Step one: choose three “code” texts or phrases.
Use something random that would not raise suspicion if someone else saw it. For example:
“Mountain Dew” = Come get me now. I’m uncomfortable.
“Sprite” = Call me in 10 minutes with an “emergency” so I have an excuse to leave.
“Water” = I’m fine. Just checking in.
You can pick any words you want. The key is that they are easy to remember and do not sound dramatic.
Step two: explain exactly what will happen if they use the code.
Tell your child, “If you send the code, I will come. No lecture. No anger. No delay.”
That part matters. If kids think asking for help will lead to punishment or a thousand questions, they are much less likely to reach out.
Step three: practice it.
Do not just mention it once and move on. Rehearse it. Ask, “What would you text if you needed me to call?” or “What would you send if you wanted me to come get you right away?” Repetition helps the brain retrieve the plan under stress.
Step four: keep your end of the deal.
If the text comes, go. Call if that was the plan. Show up calm. Save the discussion for later.
Why is this so important? Because kids and teens often stay in bad situations too long. Not because they are reckless, but because they do not want to look immature, dramatic, or “like a baby.” Their social brain is running the show. This gives them an exit before things go sideways.
And just as important, it sends a powerful message: you can always come to me.
That kind of trust does not happen during the crisis. It gets built beforehand, one conversation at a time.
So yes, Alexandria parents, set up the code. Make the plan. Practice it now.
The best safety strategy is not just teaching kids to say no. It is making sure they know how to get out.
—Dr. Amy
Do you have a question about your family? Ask it here – https://bit.ly/3T0SFSm
