Q & A With Dr. Amy: Trying Not to Lose it in Old Town
Alexandria, VA – Hey Doctor Amy,
The holidays are approaching, and I know I’m supposed to be excited. Alexandria looks like a Hallmark movie this time of year, but I’m dreading the stress of adult kids returning home, tense family dynamics, and the emotional overload of trying to keep everyone happy. How do I stay sane and actually enjoy the season?
– Trying Not to Lose It in Old Town
Dear Trying Not to Lose It,
First, thank you for saying what so many people feel. You’re right – Alexandria in December is beautiful. The lights on King Street, the Scottish Walk, the boat parade. But even with all the charm, the emotional load of this season is real. Especially when family is involved.
Let’s start with what the brain is actually trying to do this time of year. Your nervous system, already juggling everyday responsibilities, now gets hit with travel plans, grocery lists, houseguests, unresolved tension, and emotional memories layered across decades. It’s no wonder your stress response kicks in. The part of your brain responsible for emotional regulation – the prefrontal cortex – can get hijacked by your amygdala (fight or flight) faster than you can say “pass the cranberry sauce.”
Now, add adult children (and maybe their romantic partners) into the mix. Who forgot to tell us they multiply? Grown-up kids returning home often activate old family roles without anyone realizing it. The responsible one, the rebellious one, the peacemaker – these dynamics are deeply ingrained and show up automatically, especially under pressure.
So here’s what you can do, from a brain-based perspective:
- Name what’s happening. When stress rises, label it. We call that Name it to tame it. “This is tension.” “This is sensory overload.” Your brain calms down when it knows what it’s feeling.
- Regulate before you relate. You don’t need to fix every awkward conversation or emotional flare-up in the moment. Step outside. Breathe. Walk the GW Parkway. Come back when your system is more settled.
- Adjust expectations (and this is a BIG one). Nostalgia can be a powerful liar. Don’t expect this year to repair every rift or create a movie-worthy gathering. Focus on small, meaningful moments—one connection at a time.
- Create structure. Our brains love predictability. Set loose plans for meals, conversations, and breaks. Leave room for flexibility but reduce decision fatigue where you can.
And finally, be honest about your own needs. You don’t have to play host, therapist, and emotional cruise director. It’s okay to say, “Let’s take that conversation offline” or “I need a break.”
The real work of the holidays isn’t about performing joy—it’s about practicing presence. With yourself, with others, and with the emotional reality of where your family is right now.
You’re not doing it wrong if this season feels messy. You’re just being human in a very human time of year.
Warmly,
Dr. Amy
Local psychologist, mom of four, and brain-based family strategist who always brings an exit strategy to the holiday table.
Do you have a question about your family? Ask it here – https://bit.ly/3T0SFSm
